So, January is always a rough month for me. This year seemed to be incredibly so as I spent my first holiday season truly single since I was 18. I didn't think it would be as rough as it ended up being. I'm very much a fly by the seat of my pants - live life to the fullest type of person. Happy and motivated and a big lover of all. This time of year however is where I usually take inventory of my life - what I'm doing currently, where I've been and where I'm going. 1 Year, 5 years, 10 years...will I be happy if I'm on a similar path? My usual answer is no. As a true Aquarian I constantly find myself on a very individual journey that I try to share with people as much as possible, even if I'm not good at it. It's a journey that if I perceive as stagnant or at least static usually sends me into a spiral of depression come January. This also usually has to do with the fact that the weather is shit and we all need Vitamin D to feel good. My birthday also comes in early February - a new year...another birthday on the horizon - what have I accomplished? I will admit that yes - this a poor pitiful me time of year, where I am harder on myself than I ever need to be. The worst part being that this year it physically manifested itself in the form of an indescribable migraine.
But the beautiful thing is that I am already seeing the urge to come out of my winter hibernation and get out of this cave of self pity and depression.
With no one else to lean on I found myself talking to my Mom - something I feel like I haven't really done in years. Yesterday she came to Portland and having her close was simply all I needed. She helped me realize the satisfaction that comes with the love only family can give. We took a nap together and as a nearly 27 year old woman, spooning up against my Mama, I have not felt more comfort in a very long time. I feel like the headache reached it's pinnacle last night and tonight I am feeling better both physically and emotionally. That headache was me purging this pain...letting go of all of the self doubt and anger that filled the holes that arrived when I was forced to let go of the things that I loved. We all know we need to grow up and let go of things that aren't good for us. I thought I had gotten over it all - the holidays made me realize I'd been holding on to a lot, picking at emotional wounds and not letting them heal. These wounds will leave some scars, no doubt. But I'm pretty sure I'm ready to stop picking. We are stronger because we go through these realizations and can appreciate what we have and what sticks around.
I'm ready to be proactive again. Ready to stop beating a dead horse.
Whatchu got 2012? Come at me.